Thor the Parody
by Adrian Tullberg
Summary: Spoilers, and humour bordering on libel.


_A Hollywood office, two men are signing papers_

**Marvel Executive: **And that's the last contract! Welcome aboard Kenneth!

**Kenneth Branagh:** Thanks! You know, I'm glad to take on something a little more challenging, little more mainstream ...

**Marvel Executive:**... bring Anthony Hopkins

**Kenneth Branagh:** ... and this looks like a great franchise to start with. Hope this is the beginning of a great working relationship

**Marvel Executive: **Don't worry, we at Marvel Studios know how to treat our directors.

**Kenneth Branagh:** Hold on, got one of those twitter things, oh, this is from Jon Favreau ...

_The Executive snatches the iPhone out of his hands and frantically stomps it to pieces._

**Kenneth Branagh:** Hey! Ive only had that iPhone for six months!

**Marvel Executive: **Exactly! We can't have our important directors using out of date phones!

_Night Sky. Puennte Antiguo, New Mexico. Which has no relation or association with Thor. At all._

_In a truck in the middle of the desert, three people operate important beepy equipment and laptops with important looking graphics._

**JANE:** We are on the verge of making astrophysics seem like an exciting career choice!

**DARCY:** Let me know when that happens

**JANE:** Glowy lights in the sky! Dramatic Music!

_Racing towards this phenomena, they run smack bang into a man._

**DARCY:** Pending Lawsuit!

_They get out and attend to this individual._

**JANE:** How did he get out here in the middle of nowhere?

**SELVIG:** Sounds like a cue for a flashback.

**JANE:** Isnt that a lazy narrative tool? Especially three minutes into the movie?

**DARCY:** Not when Iron Man did it first.

_TONSBERG, NORWAY, 965 AD_

**ODIN: **(_Voiceover) _Once, there was a simple truth; that there were many comic properties to adapt into television and films. Long had they been dominated by the Superman, the Batman, and Wonder Woman franchises. Threatening to dominate pop culture with cheap seventies effects and the Batusi. But humanity would not be fed a diet of Time Warner properties alone. With the advent of CGI, the most imaginative and evocative properties could now be put on screen. Our characterisations of Blade, X-Men and Spider-Man among others drove them back into the realms of nostalgia, and Marvel Studios rose, while Warner Brothers suffered much scorn for their choice of a new Wonder Woman Costume. And we began to exploit the properties of the great scribe Kirby, in order to score a buck.

_Majestic sweeping plains and palaces fill the screen, astonishing everyone by the simple fact that none of it seems to be filmed in New Zealand._

_Two young boys are brought into the palace to look at a box with an interior that looks like one of those glass front washing machines you see in demonstration showrooms._

**ODIN: **... and one of you two will be taking over from me, in order to maintain a just, fair and peaceful rule.

**LOKI:** Do the Frost Giants still live?

**THOR: **Ha ha! Kill! Bash! Crush!

**ODIN: **Maybe I should do something about the potential ruler of this kingdom ... nah, maybe later.

They walk away, giving the audience a first glimpse of Mjolnir.

**ODIN: **... and only one of you can ascend to the throne. Only one. Yes, only one of you two here can be worthy of the ultimate expression of my confidence and validation of your abilities and accomplishments, and blondie here by virtue of being first born has a huge natural advantage. I hope that this doesnt cause any friction between you two!

_MUCH LATER _

_Thor, in full armour and regalia, walks down to publicly receive confirmation that he is the first, the greatest, and he responds with all the grace and humility that someone being told these facts all his life can maintain._

**THOR: **Oh yeah! Give it up! Who da man? I da man!

**ODIN: **I meant to tell someone to make sure my first born wasnt a complete arse, didnt I?

_Thor kneels in front of his father and sovereign ruler._

**THOR: **Gotta love me.

**ODIN: **Thor Odinson. My heir. My first-born. My continual worry. Entrusted with the mighty hammer Mjolnir; its power has no equal - as a weapon, to destroy, or as a tool, to build. It is a fit companion for a King. Do you swear to create a hero franchise that will approach or equal that of Iron Man?

**THOR: **I swear!

**ODIN: **And will you uphold the most sacred of bonds between a comic book movie and the fans; continuity?

**THOR: **I swear!

**ODIN: **Will you ... deliver a compelling performance that will hold the audience, and boost DVD sales, and not excessively rely on CGI set pieces that will be available on YouTube regardless of this film's financial success or failure?

**THOR: **Yeah, sure.

**ODIN: **Now I will make official your role in the succession ... as soon as I finish ... any second ... right ... no-

_The Weapons Vault Frost Giants invade, allowing Branagh to showcase the Destroyer Armour._

**THOR: **The Jotuns must pay for what theyve done!

**ODIN: **They have paid with their lives. The Destroyer did its work, and the Casket is safe. All is well.

**THOR: **They invaded! Killed a couple of guards who wanted to earn a little extra at night! Tried to take the one artefact that would restore their evil power!

**ODIN: **Yes, but we managed to reveal The Destroyer Armour, allowing even the most cynical of fans the hope we would preserve continuity.

**THOR: **Okay, but now can we go kill some bad guys?

**ODIN: **No.

**THOR: **Dad? Come oooonnnnnn...

**ODIN: **No! Me King, you tough guy with as much diplomatic ability as a Klingon, he weasel-faced hanger on.

**LOKI:** I didn't say a thing!

**ODIN: **But youre here.

_In a banquet hall, Thor is treating this potential political incident with the decorum and due deliberation it deserves._

**THOR:** Thor angry! Turn tables!

**LOKI:** Add peroxide to beard.

**THOR:** Whu?

**LOKI:** Nothing. Thor. Brother. Shining light which any and all achievements I can or could perform are endlessly eclipsed. The one living flesh barrier between me and throne of a powerful celestial empire. You're right. But theres nothing we can do without DEFYING FATHER. He said you mustn't GO TO JOTUNHEIM. Should not in any way INVADE A FOREIGN STATE.

**THOR:** I'm off to wage war!

**LOKI:** Oh. Oh no.

**THOR:** And you're coming with me!

**LOKI:** Fuck.

**THOR:** And so are they!

_The Warriors Three and Sif realise they came to the wrong room for a free feed._

**FANDRALL: **Excuse me? Defy a direct edict from our King and God? Are you high?

**THOR:** My friends, have you forgotten all that weve done together? Fandrall, who stated it was okay to accept a role where you sole existence was to pander to the fans, and have no relevance to the movie to the point where you're virtually ignored?

**FANDRALL: **Yo-

**THOR:** Next! Who proved to you that having a near-incomprehensible Asian accent wasn't a hurdle to having a speaking role in a major film?

**HOGUN: **You did. Praise Ken Watanabe.

**THOR:** Who convinced you that even though you played one of Marvel's darkest, grimmest, most popular characters, it wasn't demeaning to take on a role where you essentially a comic relief side character?

**VOLSTAGG: **_(muttering)_ Would it have killed them to have Garth Ennis as 'Creative Consultant' or something like that?

**THOR:** And who proved wrong all who scoffed at the idea that a young maiden could be one of the fiercest warriors this Realm has ever known?

**SIF:** The Valkyries, a long established part of Norse mythology.

**THOR:** No room in the budget.

**SIF:** Then I did.

**THOR:** True. But I supported you.

**SIF:** All you did was take your Dad to a strip club and said 'You know, there's a sweet loophole letting us have a set of these flopping around the Inner Palace' inbetween lapdances!

**THOR:** It worked didn't it?

_The main characters ride off towards Heimdall on what looks like a massive disco floor, providing some more panoramic shots of Asgard._

**LOKI:** Yo, Heimdall? Howsit?

**HEIMDALL:** Pretty sweet; I've got a paying gig, and pissing off a bunch of white supremacists. I'm living the black actor's dream! But Im still not giving the second Prince of the Realm any respect.

**THOR:** What about me?

**HEIMDALL:** Because you asked? Oh sure. Not because of this guy. Not at all. Its all about you Thor!

**Volstagg: **Hah! Because nothing will happen that will ensure that this wimp will ever gain anything remotely resembling a position of authority. Right?

_They march into the Bifrost Bridge control room._

**HEIMDALL:** Okay, let me remind you of a few facts that constant adventurers like yourselves should have found out already, or told you before. I cant just leave the wormhole open because IT WILL DESTROY THE PLANET ITS PROJECTING TOWARDS IF LEFT ON TOO LONG.

**SIF:** Thats ... a virtual guarantee its going to be used in that fashion.

**HEIMDALL:** Yes, but they got away with it in X-Men 2. Later!

_The adventurers land on Jotunheim._

**HOGUN: **This is the Krypton set from the Superman films. We shouldnt be here.

_The group wander around until accosted by Frost Giants._

**THOR:** ...

**LOKI:** Wannalivewannalivewannalive ...

**LAUFEY: **What the hell are you doing here?

**THOR:** How did your people get into Asgard?

**LAUFEY: **The house of Odin is full of traitors.

**THOR:** Do not dishonour my fathers name with your lies!

**LAUFEY: **Jesus! I hinted at a potential traitor in order to increase tension and advance the plot! And youre a goddamn royal; politicking and backstabbing should be as natural as breathing. And youre surprised at the very concept that someone in the court might sell out for political advantage? You know what? Im going to let you all go so blondie here can claim the throne and run my enemys empire into the ground.

_The five start to walk away without starting something, until ..._

**JOTUN:** Hey! You sucked in Star Trek!

**LOKI:** Damn.

_BANG! CRUNCH! Thor goes nuts, and never has there been more violence committed against large blue people, and there never will be at least until Avatar 2 is filmed._

_A massive creature from Lord of the Rings is unleashed, forcing Thor to unleash a massive earthquake!_

**FANDRALL: **Thor? You've ruined Krypton!

_Thor flies off, killing the creature, but allowing the Frost Giants to back them against a cliff face. The ODIN appears!_

**LAUFEY: **Your boy violated the treaty, providing the excuse I need to declare WAR!

**ODIN: **Okay. When you were at full strength we kicked your ass, and right now you clearly haven't remotely rebuilt your infrastructure, let alone any form of military force that's remotely a threat, while we've remained at the same level of military power. At least. Back to wipe the floor with you as soon as I get my nap in, bitches.

_Odin drags off Thor and his pals back to the Bifrost control room._

**ODIN: **Damn it! This is why we gave the lesser races booze and coke; so that the sons of the ruling elite would be a problem for local law enforcement instead of CAUSING MAJOR DIPLOMATIC INCIDENTS!

**THOR:** The Nine Realms must see my action setpiece!

**ODIN: **Youre a vain, greedy, cruel boy!

**THOR: **And youre sleepwalking through this role!

**ODIN: **Yes. Yes I was. Now I shall TURN THE DIAL UP TO ELEVEN! In the name of OLIVIER! In the name of OTHELLO! Of TITUS! KING LEAR! And MACBETH! I CAST YE! OUT!

_And Thor learns the importance of not having a domestic near the interstellar transport device, as he is flung off Asgard, hurtling straight for _

**JANE:** Okay! Flashback Over!

_Thor turns, gets a good look at his designated love interest._

DARCY: Whoa momma! Does he need CPR? I know CPR. Hot, sweaty CPR.

**THOR:** You! What realm is this?

_Darcy points a taser at him_

**THOR:** You dare threaten Thor with so puny a weapon-

Announcer: And this is the first time for Hemsworth, representing New Zealand in the Pratfall Olympics. And hes off to a good start by provoking a young woman into electrocuting him. And the judges are awarding bonus points for dramatic irony by having the God of Thunder taken down by a taser. An exceptional first attempt.

_Thor is taken to the local hospital, and promptly wins the worst patient ever award._

Announcer: And Hemworths second attempt. Very tricky, going for the once ominous sedated via needle approach, but he countered that with the arrogant, formerly invincible God being felled by a shot setup, with accompanying flesh-on-glass sound effect after the fact.

_In the quaint abandoned building, Jane, Darcy and Selvig look over their data._

**JANE: **I think the lensing around the edges is characteristic of an Einstein-Rosen Bridge.

**DARCY: **A what?

**SELVIG:** I thought you were a science major.

**DARCY: **Political Science.

**JANE: **She was the only applicant.

**SELVIG:** Hang on. Only applicant? No geeky hanger-on in the same school eager to get credits for hanging out alone in the desert with you? No jock looking to increase his score and finding out that he can spend time with both Kat Jennings and Natalie Portman?

**JANE:** Yeah.

**SELVIG:** From this, I can at least write an article; 'The Gayest College in America'.

_Screencaps show that Thor was inside last nights duststorm, but returning to the hospital shows hes left early, forcing them to return to their van._

**JANE: **I just lost my most important piece of evidence. Typical.

**DARCY: **So now what?

**JANE: **We find him.

**SELVIG:** Did you see what he did in there? I dont know if finding him is the best idea.

**JANE: **Well, our data cant tell us what is was like to be inside that event, and he can, so were going to find him.

**DARCY: **Oo-kay.

**SELVIG:** So were going to look all over New Mexico?

**JANE: **Exactly.

_And backs straight into Thor._

**Announcer:** Hemworths Third Pratfall attempt. And we see where he took the fall without comic consequence earlier, in order to pay off this scene. Although the judges are giving a penalty for having assistance from Portman, this still does not detract from a stunning debut.

_In a nearby crater, locals have gathered around Mjolnir, trying to pick it up, even rip it out of the ground._

**TRUCK DRIVER: **A truck flatbed, ten thousand dollars. A Stan Lee cameo? Priceless.

_A car pulls, up, and SHEILD agent Coulson appears._

**COULSON: **Sir we've found it. No, not the next tie-in to Captain America, that's after the credits. The other thing that we led into from Iron Man 2. Yes, weve finally caught up.

_In Janes office, Thor gets changed, allowing the females dragged to this movie to feel like they didnt waste the extra money for the 3D._

**DARCY:** You know, for a crazy homeless person who obviously couldn't afford a personal trainer, three-hour sessions at the gym and protein supplements, he's pretty cut.

_Thor holds up a t-shirt, with Donald Blake M.D on a sticker._

**THOR:** Whos this?

**JANE:** Oh, thats ... pandering. To the fans. You know.

_In Asgard, Loki touches the Casket of All Winters, and gets a new paint job._

**LOKI:** Ive been a Frost Giant all along? This reinforces that I will never match up to Thor in Odins eyes! Will always be in the background while that blonde goof takes the limelight! ... At least Im not a freak for constantly fantasising about Mom throughout puberty ...

_In a diner, Thor eats breakfast, and showing his appreciation, throws his coffee cup on the floor._

**Waitress:** Russian?

**SELVIG:** Dickhead.

**THOR:** Hmm. While you maintain a slim form, your friend here has pleasing feminine curves. For the Odinson not to invite you both to a threesome would be the gravest of insults ... why are you bringing out the taser again?

**Local:** Gosh darn, there was some wierd thing out of there that was heavy as hell.

**THOR:** Thats my cue!

**SELVIG:** Jane? Dont go with the delusional violent person!

_Thor and Jane part company, only to find the scientists stuff being stolen-_

**COULSON: **Appropriated.

_Sorry. Appropriated by SHIELD._

**COULSON: **Thank you for your co-operation.

_Jane, Selvig and Darcy stare morosely off into the distance._

**JANE:** Theyre not going to do this to us. Im getting everything back.

**SELVIG:** Please, let me contact one of my colleagues. Hes had had some dealings with these people. Ill email him and see if he can help.

**DARCY: **They took your laptop, too.

**SELVIG: **On second thought, I might need to leave the country for a while.

_Asgard. Sif and the Warriors Three find Loki has taken the throne while Odin takes his big nap._

**SIF:** Loki? Can you bring back Thor, reinstating his power and authority that would automatically demote you in position so that you'll be instantly ejected from the highest position of power and respect that you've attained in your life, and immediately ruin the one big chance to show your father and King that you're a more effective and stable ruler and administrator than your brother could ever be?

_Loki just looks at her._

**SIF:** Shit. I mean ... I swear that it sounded all right in my head...

_Back on Earth, Jane has relented and is giving Thor a lift, allowing some precious characterisation before they officially get together._

**JANE: **... but then I had the lesbian scene filmed while fully clothed, making sure I got the box office of guys wanting to see girl-on-girl action, but not having a nude scene floating about the internet til the end of time.

**Thor:** But would that not have you labelled as a tease?

**JANE:** Which was why I agreed to a thong shot for 'Your Highness'.

**Thor:** Wasn't that done with a doubl-

**JANE:** BLASPHEMY!

**Thor:** Ah ... I meant ... you are wise with your career, as you are beautiful.

**JANE:** Thanks! So, thats enough about me, what about you?

**THOR: **I was first sent to a vast wasteland, devoid of coherent narrative, rational plot or believable dialogue, where one-dimensional characters aimlessly roamed, getting incredibly angry over the most minor of situations every Monday and Tuesday, only to spend the rest of the week apologising to each other, an endless repetitive cycle, dominated by pretty but vacant actors, and older versions of the same, one prominent among them who punctuated every sentence with 'strewth' 'mongrel' and 'flamin' and the occasional 'stone the flamin' crows'. An entire culture dedicated to function as a delivery system of regular hits of substandard portrayals of love, outrage, and countless ludicrous and unresolved plots, while those who observed decreed this was 'just like real life'. But my father thought that was kinder to strand me in a desert without water, supplies or shelter instead.

**JANE:** God, I hope youre not crazy.

**Thor:** When I reclaim my power, you'll see soon enough.

**JANE:** Really? If we're following the standard third act structure, you're going to fall flat on your ass, therefore forcing you to swallow the requisite amount of humility in order to achieve the minimum needed character growth before regaining your abilities in the last fifteen minutes for the third act battle?

**Thor:** Just drive.

_Asgard. Odins bedchambers_

**LOKI:** The Odinsleep. The plot device that allows dramatic tension with a virtually omniscient, omnipotent character.

**Frigga:** No matter what, you are our son, Loki.

**LOKI:** Right ... did I mention how hot you were in the Lethal Weapon films?

**Frigga:** Not a chance.

**LOKI:** The world burns!

_Inside the SHIELD encampment, officers do ... important stuff as Thor prepares to retrieve his weapon._

**TECHIE :** Techs barely working as it is, with all the interference that things giving off. Hey, weve got a commercial aircraft coming in right over us, Southwest Airlines Flight 5434.

**SITWELL:** Reroute it, like all the others.

**TECHIE:** Okay, you're now the problem of some sleep deprived air traffic controller. Hang on, perimeter breach!

_Thor punches his way through scores of soldiers!_

**COULSON: **I need an Avengers cameo. Now.

_A person indistinct enough to be effortlessly recast later takes a BOW! AND! ARROW! And takes an elevated position while Thor reaches Mjolnir._

**COULSON: **What have we got?

**SITWELL:** Well, The order that the Marvel Studio films were publicly released were Iron Man 1, Hulk the Iron Man 2. But in depth analysis has shown if you pay attention to the final scene between Nick Fury and Stark in Iron Man 2, you can see the events of Hulk going on in a breaking news bulletin, so the continuity is officially Iron Man 1, then Iron Man 2 with Hulk going on at roughly the same time.

**COULSON: **(on radio) Hold your fire.

**Barton:** Yeah, we know he doesnt get the hammer, I saw the trailer too.

**COULSON: **Still, it gives him the opportunity to show all the work he put in his guns.

**Barton:** Good to know he didnt neglect his triceps

**COULSON: **Thats the sign of a proper workout program; your amateur just sweats out building his biceps and neglects the rest of his arm, creating a non-symmetrical effect thats just plain wrong.

**Barton:** Dont forget that the practical value; the tricep is one of the most utilised muscles in the entire arm.

**COULSON: **Hes realised its futile ... is he doing the big no?

**Barton:** Actually, hes giving a scream of despair and futility. Much more emotive and less contrived.

**COULSON: **At least Lucas showed the rest of the world what not to do. Bring him in.

_Thor is hauled off to an interrogation room._

**COULSON: **You made my men, some of the most highly trained professionals in the world, look like a bunch of minimum wage mall cops. Thats hurtful. In my experience, it takes someone whos received similar training to do what you did to them. Why dont you tell me where you received your training. Old Vic? RADA? Juilliard? Where was it, NIDA? VCA? Hang on, got to take this call.

_LOKI appears_

**LOKI:** Dads dead, Im in charge, and its all your fault.

**Thor:** Ive ... never felt like this ... its ...

**LOKI:** Its character growth. Kicks in around the second act.

**Thor:** Yeah. Catch you later.

**LOKI:** Important tip. Where youre going? Its important to bend at the waist when picking up soap.

_Outside, Coulson is talking to Selvig._

**COULSON: **Well, Ive got enough circumstantial evidence to haul you in for the most unpleasant of interrogations, but Im going to release him into your custody because Im the give-em-enough-rope kind of guy.

_After proving people pay more attention to hard drives rather than written notes by nicking Janes notebook back, Thor and Selvig retire to a bar._

**THOR: **When my father stripped by rank, weapon and physical power from me, and stranded me on this planet, I never knew until now he was actually serious about it.

**SELVIG:** In order to protect the girl I have a strong paternal relationship with, I must ask that you leave town as soon as possible.

**THOR: **How about I drink you under the table instead?

**SELVIG:** Good enough for me!

_While Loki arranges for Odins assassination at JOTUNHEIM, Thor dumps a paralytic Selvig at Janes trailer, and the two repair to the top of the office._

**THOR: **Your Ancestors called it magic. And you call it science. I come from a place where they're one and the same thing.

**JANE: **Clarke's Third Law; 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic'?

**THOR:** More like Hollywood's Fourth Law 'Any allusion to the existence of Western Gods beyond that of the Judeo-Christian model should be handwaved away to that of highly advanced aliens, in order to avoid pissing off the ever-growing Fundamentalist market share'.

_In Asgard ..._

**FANDRAL:** Our dearest friend banished, Loki on the throne, Asgard on the brink of war, yet you manage to consume four wild boar, six pheasant, a side of beef, and two casks of ale. Shame on you! Dont you care?

**VOLSTAGG: **Do not mistake my eating disorder for apathy!

**HOGUN: **We have to advance the plot.

**SIF:** Thor would do the same for us. All we need is a convenient last-minute ally ...

**EINHERJAR GUARD:** Heimdall demands your presence.

_At the palace, Loki notices the Bifrost firing, and works out whats happening._

**LOKI:** Okay, I know Thor's precise location, while they have to go search for him. I could just mentally influence some local drunk or poor schizophrenic into going postal, wiping out Thor in a murder-suicide. By the time those idiots find him, he'll be dead, and the worst thing anybody can pin on me is that I was simply enforcing Odin's law...

**Kenneth Branagh:** Ah ... we're falling on the pandering quota...

**LOKI:** Fine. I'll just use the most powerful weapon in Asgard's arsenal, which can only be used by either two people; a currently comatose Odin, and me! Happy?

_The Asgardians march into town, finding Thor practicing a career choice as a waiter._

**Thor:** So Loki, whose reputation as a liar and trickster has spread across worlds and mythologies ... may not have told me the truth?

**SELVIG:** Son, maybe there was a reason you were born into a job ...

_On the Bifrost, Loki is confronting Heimdall_

**HEIMDALL:** Word of advice; never fire a man when hes holding a big sword!

_Loki quickly freezes Heimdall._

_On Earth, Coulson and SHIELD encounter the landing of the Destroyer Armour._

**SHIELD AGENT:** Is that one of Stark's?

**ALL: **PRAISE BE ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR!

**COULSON: **I dont know, the guy never tells me anything.

_The armour starts blasting anything in range._

**COULSON: **Was it drinking?

**SHEILD AGENT:** No.

**COULSON: **Not Stark.

_The Armour marches into town, blasting everything in sight, knocking the Asgardians away like flies._

**Thor:** Dont worry, I have a plan!

_All seems lost until Thor lets the Armour smack him up._

**FANDRALL: **Well, its more thought out than most of his plans ...

_Suddenly MJOLNIR FLIES OFF. And a nearly dead Thor RECAPTURES HIS WEPON AND HIS POWER!_

**THOR: **HE-MAN!

_Thor rises, summoning a storm and taking out the armour._

_Coulson and his SHIELD retinue arrive _

**COULSON: **Donald... I dont think youve been completely honest with me.

**THOR:** Know this, son of Coul. You and I,we fight for the same cause - theprotection of this world. From this day forward, you can count me as your ally, if you return the items you have taken from Jane.

**JANE: **Stolen

**COULSON: **Infected with malware.

**JANE: **What?

**COULSON: **Bunch of tech guys, top hackers, but our own equipment is constantly monitored. And a copy of Lady Gagas latest album is on this Romanian warez site? Bad combination.

_Thor flies off with Jane_

**COULSON: **Wait, I have this great anti-ware patch!

_In Asgard, Loki allows Laufey and his elite squad enter the Bifrost, walking past a still frozen Heimdall._

**LOKI:** Maybe I should take the thirty seconds to kill the one guy who can definitively pin the rap on me while Asgards greatest enemies are here and I have a weapon that perfectly simulates their powers? Nah.

_Thor has arrived at the Bifrost site._

**THOR:** Heimdall! Open the Bifrost! He doesnt answer.

**HOGUN: **Then we are stranded.

**SELVIG:** So if one guy ... just one guy ... is taken out ... or goes for a coffee break ... or a piss ... or just doesn't like you ... you're stuck?

**FANDRALL: **Yes.

**DARCY: **This never happens on Stargate.

_Heimdall bursts out of the ice, kills two Frost Giants and opens the Bridge._

**THOR: **Okay! Power restored, going to take on Loki in a climatic third-act battle! Little sugar?

**JANE: **Hang on! Youre cute, and demonstrated a little basic humanity. But you're still a petulant, arrogant bastard who expects everyone to fawn all over you and fulfil your base whims. You've got a lot of character development beyond one day of soul searching and mild repentance before I even consider you an acquaintance, let alone a ...

**THOR: **_(whispering)_ Strewth mongrel flamin' flamin' mongrel strewth mongrel strewth flamin' stone the flamin' crows.

**JANE: **TAKE ME! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW!

**THOR: **I will return. Off to Asgard I go!

**JANE: **I'VE GOT MILA ON SPEEDDIAL!

_Thor returns, flies off to Odin, only to find Loki has killed off the Frost Giants in a gambit to wipe out Jotunheim_

**THOR: **What the hell are you doing?

**LOKI:** To do what Father never could. To destroy their kind forever. When he awakens, hell see the wisdom of what Ive done.

**THOR: **Dude! If he exiled his favourite son because I started a fight! I don't think genocide's gonna make him happy! You cant kill an entire race!

**LOKI:** No, you wandered around looking for a punch up! As witnessed by Odins wife, Ive personally stopped the spearhead of an imminent invasion, led by the King of the Frost Giants himself, and Im going to prevent the rest of their forces from reaching Asgard, cementing me as a hero and legitimate heir to the throne, and Ive got Odins wife as a witness! Besides, what is this newfound love for the Frost Giants? You, who would have killed them all with your bare hands! What happened to you on earth that turned you so soft? Dont tell me it was that woman!

**THOR: **Natalie. Portman.

**LOKI:** Seriously?

**THOR: **I'm this close to scoring. Practically a done deal.

**LOKI:** Perhaps when were finished here Ill pay her a little visit myself. As Mila.

**THOR: **Goddamnit! I did all the groundwork!

_THEY FIGHT. AND THE GUY IN THE FILM WHO MAKES IT A POINT TO AVOID DIRECT CONFLICT MANAGES TO DRIVE OFF THE VASTLY EXPERIENCED WARRIOR. SERIOUSLY._

_Thor proves trickery, cunning and strategy is no match for brute force, and begins to destroy the Bifrost._

**LOKI:** You can't destroy the Bifrost!

**THOR: **What? It's our primary transport facility! It's a high priority component of our infrastructure! With our literally god-like abilities and resources we can have it rebuilt within a month! Tops!

**LOKI:** And the World Trade Centre was an important part of the New York skyline! Even if you're right, one month here equals at least eighteen months in real life!

_Thor destroys the Bifrost Justas Odin wakes up, and Loki vanishes into the ether._

_On Asgard, Thor approaches his father._

**ODIN: **Son, youve achieved the minimum level of character growth in order for me to honestly say Im proud of you.

**Thor:** Thanks. And I feel that infrastructure maintenance is an important part of any sound political policy. So when can we start rebuilding the main method of transport off this planet?

**ODIN: **As soon as we get the bids in. Then the committee has to decide whether to rebuild according to the original specs or go with a whole new design which will have to be redone from the ground up. Not to mention Marvel Studios heavily inferring that your girl will have to build her own wormhole for you to get back to Earth.

_On Earth, Jane is rebuilding her laboratory. _

**JANE:** (Shuddering) Flamin' ...

**THOR:** Time to find out how Loki moved around without Bifrost. Not to mention, according to wikipedia, I've got some kind of chariot, which implies I have my own spaceship. I could just use that ...

**Kenneth Branagh:**... and the film has just ended.

**THOR: **Oh fu-

**THOR: **- hang on! Extra after-credit scene! I can just -

**FURY:** Hold on here boy! Samuel L here providing the important narrative thread between this film and the next. Marvel Studios tells us one thing, my man Quentin, another. Observe; a glowing object in a suitcase, revealed to be what can only be a Cosmic Cube. And you know my man Quentin digs the comic book shit.

**LOKI:** (whispering) Well, thats worth a look.

**SELVIG:** Well, thats worth a look.

**LOKI:** Your mothers balls are delicious.

**SELVIG:** Your mothers balls are delicious ... what?

_As Furymenacingly advances, Loki smiles, and everyone prepares for The Avengers ..._


End file.
